"Look, Dear," I
managed.
I felt
myself reacting and instantly regretting saying that. It sounded so
patronising. Linda was a clever girl, but only 13 years old. What does she know
about life? Not a lot really. She doesn't know what I know. I really regretted
saying what I did.
"What's
going on at school?"
I'd
asked this question several times before over recent weeks in many different
ways.
"Mum,"
Linda challenged, "what I do at school is for me to know and you to find
out if you feel so strongly about it. I am sure the teachers will tell you
everything you want to know."
Linda
had me there and I am sure she knew it, throwing down the gauntlet like that,
though I doubt she would describe it that way. Children know what they are
doing, all right. Linda knew I wouldn't go sneaking about asking her teachers
what I felt I needed to know.
"Linda,
you're not being fair."
I'd
followed up with this and felt even more ridiculous. What was I doing? Getting
myself into deeper water very quickly. It felt more like quicksand as I began
to struggle. I was losing control of the situation very fast. What was I
talking about saying that she wasn't being fair? She was probably right in the
way she saw things, but then I go and talk about fairness. Stupid! It also
seems a rather typical attitude from me as well.
I
recalled the concept of Transactional Analysis. Adult to Child. This was what I
was doing and it wasn't going to work. Adult to Adult. That's the mode I needed
to use. At least I could make the effort to be fair.
"Linda,"
I started and in a steady voice I hoped. I followed this with a short pause for
effect as the silence might sound good and it would give me a brief moment to
think. My head was racing like a duck's feet under water and I hoped I was displaying
the calm on the surface that I didn't feel.
"You're
right. I shouldn't doubt you as I know you are a sensible girl."
I
wouldn't use a 'but' here as I could wreck my attempt at being a good parent.
Another pause instead.
"Try
to look at it from my point of view," I continued. "I know you can if
you want to. I care about you and I only want to make sure you are happy. I
want to be happy too. I don't want to ask your teachers and that's why I am
asking you."
I
wouldn't try that old chestnut about me being older and knowing more either. It
may be true, yet it always sounded wrong. I never mean for it to come out the
way it always does. That would be doomed to failure.
"OK,
Mum. That seems fair. That's all I wanted really. I sometimes feel as though I am
being stamped on. Like I'm a bug or something. It's horrible."
Linda
was mellowing and I felt more comfortable already. This approach seemed to be
working. I should work on this Transactional Analysis approach. I felt that
from the way this had gone from what could have been a confrontation to
something more constructive was helping us both a great deal.
I was
left wondering who was teaching whom, but only I realised that.
Louis Brothnias 2005, Rev 2 2007 (May)