Total Blank
I don’t know what today’s date
is. Or yesterday’s and certainly not tomorrow’s date. Sometimes I imagine that
this situation happens, but for no apparent reason. I wake up and start wondering
about nothing in particular. Just being aware. The bedside clock tells me that
it is not yet five o’clock on the 19th January though it feels the
right time to start the day. Something bothers me about this time and it just
seems earlier than my usual waking time though oddly, it does feel that this
time is normal.
Staring out of the bedroom window into the
brightness the view is quite new to me as though I am in a strange place, even
though I feel that it should be familiar. I start wondering where I am. Colours
are very vivid with the shadows from the trees striking the lush green grass. I
remember nothing about myself or where I am or what I should do next.
Instinctively, I know where to find my clothes and get dressed, yet I have
absolutely no idea about why I am doing these things.
I
feel I know things, but just not where I am or who I am. I don’t even know how
to search my memory for what I did last. The view out of my window could have
changed, but I can’t recall what it was like just now. My moment is now and I
simply exist in this moment. And then it’s gone. Replaced by another moment.
Now. This strangely has a very calming effect even though it is slightly
worrying. Yet only worrying as my curiosity cannot find any answers that
satisfy that curiosity. Puzzling and calming at the same time.
Past,
present and future are terms that I have heard about though they blend into
simply a sense of being. Awareness. Wherever I am. I may be irritated about
what I feel though it is fascinating and not in the slightest bit frightening.
It feels as though I should be scared, but curiously I am only curious. Another
glance out of the window and nothing seems to have changed and I think I am
still wearing the clothes that I had put on a moment ago. Doubt enters my mind.
What clothes did I put on? Are these the same ones that I had climbed into a
few minutes ago or different ones? And when was that? It could be minutes or
hours ago.
I
still don’t feel any sense of panic yet imagine that I should. But I don’t.
The
clock has moved on by a just few minutes to ten minutes after five on the 20th
January and I feel comfortable by knowing who I am and where I am, at home in
the south of England in Winter. I rolled over in my bed and went back to sleep
with the thought that it must be quite terrible to lose your identity.
Louis Brothnias 2008 (May)